Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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