dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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