the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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