if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
