My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I will be naked everywhere
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
