I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
