I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
