That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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