I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
