i need an iv and a liver transplant
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
