i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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