Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
