i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I wish there were birth control emojis
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
