i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
