I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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