I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
