Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
