thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
