so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
