My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
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also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
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I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing