I want to make a zoo with you.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
