Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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