I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
