Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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