Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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