you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
