My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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