when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
