i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
