Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
