My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
