I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
