I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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