I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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