After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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