I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
