I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
