We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
