I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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