About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
