Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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