I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
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Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
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Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!