My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
