mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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