cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
