Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
