I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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