I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
