I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
