You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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