I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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