you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
found the other keg... it's in the tree
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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