True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
