I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I don't deserve a penis
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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