Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i would punch a child for taco bell
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
