just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
