I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
